I DON'T KNOW
It's annoying when people ask you questions that you can't answer, but it's even more frustrating if you can't answer your own questions. Do you understand that?
So when no one can answer your question, where can we turn to? God? I hate to admit it, but sometimes I can't feel a connection whenever I pray. Is it because a part of me is holding back from that? Why would that part of me hold back? Again. I can't answer my own questions. It's so frustrating.
Am I wired wrong? Do I have some kind of genetic problem? There are those who can easily tune in with God. I can't help but be jealous of their high-energy passion for Him. I can't seem to bring myself, to be us pumped up as they are. Am I a lukewarm Christian then? Is it because logic and faith aren't on the same page? It's difficult when you're being trained to be logical, and you're still expected to remain faithful. There are no proofs to support claim of an existing Being, which makes being faithful even harder. My old teacher constantly used religion as an example for irrationality. From his perspective, he does have a point. I shouldn't even be thinking of that. I should've immediately blocked what he had to say. I wish it's easy, like the stories in the Bible. God personally intervenes. Why does it seem like He's very distant now? Or is it because I feel distant?
Where am I getting all worked up because of this now? I guess it's because I feel confused. I've been confused for a while, and I keep pushing it down. Now, it's resurfacing and it's getting harder and harder to keep it under control.
I once thought that may be God is imaginary. I came to this before, because of a small misinterpretation. The authors of the Bible wrote the Bible to become a beacon of light, especially during those hard times. At what extent did they manipulate the actual events just so that the citizens would make it through? Like what the author of the Gospels did (I can't remember who it was). He made a way to fulfill the prophecy of Christ. It's kind of difficult to explain, but we've tackled that before in class. It got me thinking which parts were really true and which were exaggerated?
I can feel my faith wavering. I didn't really have an ultra-mega strong foundation to begin with. I'm not implying that I'm walking away from my Savior. I just feel like it's hard, to follow so many rules and fear that God might not be pleased. What if I never do please him? Not to mention the fact that the Church can interpret the Bible in very threatening ways. I can't seem to shake the feeling that they're trying to scare people to believe in God's love. Is that even right?
I need Christian friends. Not just Christians in their birth certificates, but Christian in words and deed. I feel like I'm being surrounded by lukewarm companions. They're fun to be with, but we don't really discuss religion much. We don't exercise our faith much. We study, we talk, we hang out. It's different when your surrounded with people who really set their hearts to God.
So, what is the point of this post then?
I DON'T KNOW.
So when no one can answer your question, where can we turn to? God? I hate to admit it, but sometimes I can't feel a connection whenever I pray. Is it because a part of me is holding back from that? Why would that part of me hold back? Again. I can't answer my own questions. It's so frustrating.
Am I wired wrong? Do I have some kind of genetic problem? There are those who can easily tune in with God. I can't help but be jealous of their high-energy passion for Him. I can't seem to bring myself, to be us pumped up as they are. Am I a lukewarm Christian then? Is it because logic and faith aren't on the same page? It's difficult when you're being trained to be logical, and you're still expected to remain faithful. There are no proofs to support claim of an existing Being, which makes being faithful even harder. My old teacher constantly used religion as an example for irrationality. From his perspective, he does have a point. I shouldn't even be thinking of that. I should've immediately blocked what he had to say. I wish it's easy, like the stories in the Bible. God personally intervenes. Why does it seem like He's very distant now? Or is it because I feel distant?
Where am I getting all worked up because of this now? I guess it's because I feel confused. I've been confused for a while, and I keep pushing it down. Now, it's resurfacing and it's getting harder and harder to keep it under control.
I once thought that may be God is imaginary. I came to this before, because of a small misinterpretation. The authors of the Bible wrote the Bible to become a beacon of light, especially during those hard times. At what extent did they manipulate the actual events just so that the citizens would make it through? Like what the author of the Gospels did (I can't remember who it was). He made a way to fulfill the prophecy of Christ. It's kind of difficult to explain, but we've tackled that before in class. It got me thinking which parts were really true and which were exaggerated?
I can feel my faith wavering. I didn't really have an ultra-mega strong foundation to begin with. I'm not implying that I'm walking away from my Savior. I just feel like it's hard, to follow so many rules and fear that God might not be pleased. What if I never do please him? Not to mention the fact that the Church can interpret the Bible in very threatening ways. I can't seem to shake the feeling that they're trying to scare people to believe in God's love. Is that even right?
I need Christian friends. Not just Christians in their birth certificates, but Christian in words and deed. I feel like I'm being surrounded by lukewarm companions. They're fun to be with, but we don't really discuss religion much. We don't exercise our faith much. We study, we talk, we hang out. It's different when your surrounded with people who really set their hearts to God.
So, what is the point of this post then?
I DON'T KNOW.
Comments
Even in church I don't seem to feel a connection with God. I used to all the time. But i know that faith should not be based on circumstances. Its like the saying "if you wait for the right moment, then you'll never get anything done". If I wait for the right feelings to come to boost my faith, then I'll never end up believing in anything. Usually if I can't sleep i go outside and just breathe and look at the stars. And thats when I think and pray and somehow find a connection to God. Or at the beach, or whenever I see something beautiful. Or just after i've finished a good book or anime and suddenly everything is quiet. I guess its in the simple things. They're rare moments actually.
I feel guilty too cuz i hardly pray.. I try to, but always end up falling asleep before I've even said anything of importance. I remember I used to write in a notebook a lot.. It worked. Maybe I should do that again xD haha just remember that Jesus said if our faith is even just as small as a mustard seed (really really tiny) we can say to a mountain "move", and it will move. Im not really sure what this means, but i think in this context it could be that our faith doesn't have to be big for great things to come out of it. God can still do great things in us even if our faith is weak and brittle and shaky. yeah? :) lets try and be strong together, hey? :D <3 somehow writing this overly long comment has helped me too xD
I haven't been doing any devotional since last semester. Maybe my most religious year is my first year in college. i miss those days. i wish i could connect to God the way i did before.
We will never know FOR SURE. And why He does this is not known FOR SURE. God is not like us humans. He doesnt think like us or rationalize the way we do. We must learn that difference. We are not like Him who controls everything and thinks the way He does.
The key is faith. FAITH. Abraham was promised Canaan. Yes, God talked to Him, but don't schizophrenics hear a voice/voices in their heads too? Is that God? No it's not. And although God told Abraham did this and this, why would he do it? Because of Faith. Seeing what isn't there. Believing what you cant or prove. To others, insanity. To God, the ultimate test of our love to Him.
Anyway, I will be frank with you. God chooses to intervene when He does. If you read the end part of Job you will see how ridiculous this is. No, READ the whole book of Job!
Bottomline. the thing i should've said earlier. well we dont hear from God sometimes because we don't recognize His voice anymore. We don't read His Word, ask His Spirit to fill us. Yes, we pray but we pray with empty words because we can't see God, we can't get into His presence.
I will be frank. I've been trying to talk to you about spiritual matters but you seem to have no interest with it. Sometimes I get that too, but after many struggles I've come to realize that being Christian isn't just about emotions, feelings but about COMMITMENT.
In a relationship we always need that in order for it to work. text me if you need someone to encourage / rebuke or just talk to you.
btw, i dont believe everything in RS. sometimes they're just out of context and if you refer it to the bible, you can't see God's personality connect.
TALK TO ME. i know we've been very busy. but i know you and i both need it.